It’s your fault

Which one of us hasn’t heard this or thought it about ourselves?  Your situation you’re in was because you didn’t eat the right things, or you thought it was just cramps and didn’t want to go to the doctor, or you didn’t have insurance and were afraid of the medical bills.  Whatever the reason you try to put on yourself, it is rarely our fault for our situation.  Sure, there’s some responsibility we have to take in some situations, but it’s not YOUR fault, when your body betrays you.

In my situation, I stopped taking my therapy meds, because I had lost my insurance and my medication cost me $500 a month.  In the three months it took me to get insurance again, I managed to have another bad flare up of my UC (ulcerative colitis).  Ultimately I ended up in the hospital and almost died, when my colon ruptured and I had to have emergency surgery.

Yes, it was my fault for not talking to my family to see who would be willing to lend me $500 a month to pay for my medication.  Oh and just for the record, I did talk to my GI doc at the time, who gave me Rx for 3 months of my therapy meds, but my insurance denied it (they had no idea I was about to lose them because I had lost my job).  I only got one month, so I did try to get myself covered.  But back to my point, I was only at fault for not trying to get help to pay for my medication.  As it turns out, according to my doctor, this was always going to happen to me.  It was only a matter of time before my colon ruptured, because even with the therapy meds, I was still getting flare ups, so my colon was so scarred and thin, it wouldn’t have lasted long anyway.

Before my colon ruptured, my mother and sister were angry with me, because I was in the hospital again.  They blamed me completely, for my situation.  Just days before I had gone in, my mother had lectured me about it being my fault that I was having a flare up.  Fact is, the only people I could have asked for help from were my grandparents and I was already getting help for rent.  I felt like a leech already, asking for more money, even if it was for my medication, just wasn’t something I could do.  I had a mental block against it.  I probably should have been seeing a therapist or something at that time, but again, no insurance.

Anyway, I see people post about being upset that their friend or family member “did this to themselves.” It’s hard to know every person’s situation and really the ultimate response should be, “just keep your nose out of it,” but what if I could help them understand that if nothing else, that person needs their support.

I’m not saying it was okay that I didn’t ask for help, it’s that I had trouble with it.  I already felt like a burden, I already felt like a leech.  And while I was in the hospital, the feeling of “this is all my fault” got so overwhelming at times, that I felt I deserved exactly what I ended up getting, a ruptured colon and I almost died.  I managed to keep my positive attitude about my situation, while I was in the hospital.  I wasn’t faced with how obvious it was that I was leeching off my family and a burden to them.  And while I could still see their Facebook posts about how hard it was handling the things I should have been handling, my family was really good about keep those to a bare minimum.

 

But please realize, that any time you post negative things about a person who struggles with any kind of problem it will likely just make things worse.  I understand being frustrated with a loved one, when it feels like they aren’t taking care of themselves.  But maybe what they really need is more support.  And if you don’t want to give it, or you’re tired of trying because it doesn’t sound like they’re listening to taking it seriously, then just don’t keep trying.  Just don’t post anything about it.  Keep the negative feedback to yourself.  You run the risk of making things even worse for them.

I suffered from depression and anxiety before my incident, it’s one of the reasons I had a hard time reaching out for help.  When I saw the negative things, or was told the negative things it only made things worse and I seriously started wishing I had been a half hour later to my surgeon.  I have since sought help and I don’t feel that way anymore.  But if you truly love the person you are frustrated with, just remember, words hurt.

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