As the date of my surgery draws closer, I feel the anxiety welling up.  I have faith in my surgeon that the surgery will go well.  I constantly battle the “what ifs” that pop up in my head. Most of the time I’m strong enough to bat them down and ignore them. However, when stressors gang up on me, it gets harder to push them all away.

I’m trying to get time off approved for a job I’m still just a seasonal employee at. It is my dream job. I love it! But I also have trouble with it because it’s hard for me to sit up for very long and the pain makes me irritable, which diminishes my customer service skills. It is a surgery I need and I need it as soon as I can get it.

My time off will not be paid, so I’m worried about the cost of not getting paid for a week. My food stamps were stopped because they didn’t process my paperwork so they sent me a form to fill out again. Which means I won’t be able to help mom buy food in March. My paycheck was smaller than I had planned because of time off, so I’m a little worried.

Then in my game there were issues and at the same time, at work we had system issues but we were required to stay in available, even though we couldn’t help people and that was stressful. On top of that I screwed up other things in my game and caused one of my closest friends to yell at me.

Now, some of those things shouldn’t matter at all, but when you add in the big stressors, the little things started to get to me. Now let’s look at my surgery.

All my little “what ifs” start. What if something goes wrong? He may have to completely remove my rectum. That eliminates any chance of me getting reconnected down the line. Any time you go under full anesthesia, there is a chance of death. What happens to my son when I die? My mom wants me to talk to someone about setting up a Will. Now I have to figure out what channels to go through to get that done. And all the little “what ifs” keep piling up. What if I have to stay in the hospital longer than 2 days? Longer than a week? Will my job still be there for me? How much will I need to do to get that adjusted?

I know I will get through this. This is minor. I’ve been through much worse and came out just fine. But for today, I’m tired. Emotionally and physically, I’m exhausted. I am sorry if I’m short, or rude, or just ignore you. I just need to take some time and get myself in order.


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